I’m so sorry that I’m a little late in writing to you this year, but I hope to make up for it in the form of a new business proposal. We both know that you have a particularly impressive CV, however I’ve begun to think that after hundreds? of years doing the same job year in, year out, you may have outgrown your position? In my humble opinion, your potential is being monumentally wasted in your current role as Santa Clause, bearer of bicycles, Barbie Dolls and luxury beauty products (if you have any spares ship them my way).
Following your annual review, I’d like to propose a promotion. You will no longer be responsible for the giving of material gifts, and the mundane task of wrapping thousands of presents. Loved ones across the globe have proved themselves more than capable of stepping up in your place (don’t worry, all mail has been redirected). Instead, I’d like to suggest that your priorities become more unique Christmas gifting. As you will no longer be needing all of that Christmas magic as flying fuel for your reindeer (Royal Mail has it covered, as long as no one is trying to send cash in cards), lets start by utilising it to give less traditional Christmas gifts in the form of… what shall we call them… miracles?
I’ve been awfully good this year, so I’d like to take the opportunity to provide you with my new and improved Christmas miracle list, which you will notice is full of only immaterial desires.
Firstly, I’ve had a really busy year. I don’t know if you’ve kept up to date with our news over here but I think its a pretty common consensus that millennials have it bad right now, I know we’re not without our faults, but I swear I don’t even like avocado, and those who do surely don’t deserve such a bad wrap for it? So these five things (I know I usually ask for much more but I figured these all have a higher value) are all kind of based on that.
- I’d love if you could revisit the £3k per year university fee cap. Even £3k seems a little steep for what we’re actually getting in return but ‘you don’t get something for nothing‘, we get it. Its just that for a 22 year old, £30 odd grand of debt in exchange for a degree seems pretty harsh (if you could backdate any changes I’d be grateful).
- Lets talk about the costs involved for a young person desperately trying to get a foot on the property ladder. I for one, would love to own my own (reasonably sized and nicely located) house before the age of, I don’t know, lets say thirty. Being a part of the generation of renters and grown adults still having to live with mummy and daddy just isn’t very cool.
- I’m working my ass off trying to create regular content that people want to see over on my Instagram, but oddly as soon as my followers go up by one they also drop by two. Is there some way of getting it to only go up? (I heard on the grape vine that it has something to do with a dumb new algorithm, hope that helps).
- I love blogging and put a lot of work into it, so if you could a) up my followers and traffic to a few hundred thousand, maybe a million (I’m pretty sure you’re not following me so you can start by fixing that) and b) have a word with a couple of brands that are in my Inbox category ‘didn’t go anywhere’ as they seem to think that its okay to approach me and then just ignore my response???
- You might be familiar with the feeling of constantly second guessing yourself? Let me put it in terms you’ll relate to… does little Jenny want a Barbie or Winnie the Pooh cuddly toy? Well thats me but with everything. Do I want the shoes or the holiday? Am I a good enough blogger to ever get anywhere with it? Does my friend hate me or is she just to busy to speak to me right now? Is that girl looking at me funny because she thinks I look like I’m trying too hard…. not hard enough? You get the picture. If you could have a word with the mini me inside my head and make her as confident, no, more confident than I act, that would be great.
PS. I know I said I only wanted 5 things, but I think I speak for a majority of the world in asking if there’s anything you can do about the Donald Trump situation? Injure his vocal cords? Ship him off to Guantanamo? Permanently deactivate his twitter account? Its just we’re getting awfully worried that we won’t live to see another Christmas if he remains in control of one of the greatest countries in the world.